EDWARD CULLEN
by Daddy's Little Bloodsucker
Summary: If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own EDWARD CULLEN. Go throught the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
1. Chapter 1

**EDWARD CULLEN**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own EDWARD CULLEN. I'm sure you have saved so much money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your EDWARD CULLEN does not like human food. Please avoid from feeding him that. Hunt animals for him though. He'll like their blood. Especially Mountain Lions.

2. Your EDWARD CULLEN does not like being called Eddie. Please refrain from calling him that if you value your life.

3. Your EDWARD CULLEN does not like bimbos, so if you are one, please return him to the TWILIGHT CULLEN MAKER PRODUCTIONS.

4. Your EDWARD CULLEN may get you pregnant. This happens if you let him bruise you when you're naked, on the bed.

5. Your EDWARD CULLEN may make out with you for as long as possible. He does not need to breathe.

6. If you have a Fireplace, Do not let your EDWARD CULLEN near it as he may burn himself.

7. Do not get a paper cut on your 18th birthday. He will leave you if JASPER HALE attacks you.

8. If you have an ancient truck, buy an EDWARD CULLEN SILVER VOLVO and order him to drive you around in the car.

9. Do not go near anyone by the name of 'Mike'. He hates all of them.

10. If you have a friend name Jessica, she might try to steal your EDWARD CULLEN so beware.

11. Your EDWARD CULLEN doesn't need protection. He can protect himself.

12. Your EDWARD CULLEN likes his FAM ILY CULLEN. Buy the FAMILY CULLEN set if you want to see him happy.

13. Your EDWARD CULLEN likes to play piano. Buy him his EDWARD CULLEN PIANO so he can play.

14. Take your EDWARD CULLEN for baseball games. Please refrain from playing.

15. He may run away at times. Do not panic, he is just relaxing at his meadow.

16. Your EDWARD CULLEN does not sleep. He is functioned to look after you while you sleep.

17. If your EDWARD CULLEN has black eyes, take him hunting. They will regain their normal color from before.

18. Do not let your EDWARD CULLEN feed on humans. He will go emo later.

19. If your EDWARD CULLEN says that your best guy friend stinks like a wet dog, he really means it.

20. He may bite your pillow, It's perfectly normal.

**Types of EDWARD CULLEN**

There are many types of EDWARD CULLEN programming you can install to your EDWARD CULLEN.

Sexy mode (It may cause lots of fainting so beware)

Naughty mode (May cause nosebleeds and blushes.)

Turned on mode (this mode may get you pregnant. Make sure you have protection prepared at this time.)

Virgin mode (He'll have lots of boundaries up so don't start complaining.)

Ready to get married (May propose many times to you)

Human mode (He calls himself Edward Masen)

Emo mode (This may be caused by feeding through Humans)

Plain Hot mode (make sure that your friends are not attracted to this mode)

Sporty mode (you may want to take him out to baseball all day)

Protective mode (will protect you at any time)

Blushing mode (this mode makes your EDWARD CULLEN a blushing human. He won't stop blushing)

**F.A.Q**

1. My EDWARD CULLEN is eating human food! What's happening to him?

He may be in human mode. If not, knock him on the head and scream 'blood' he will be back to normal in no time.

2. My EDWARD CULLEN thinks I'm weird. Why it that so?

Come to the TWILIGHT CULLEN MAKERS PRODUCTION so we could see what's wrong.

3. My EDWARD CULLEN does not want to kiss me. Why is that so?

He must really hate you then.

4. I bought an EMMETT CULLEN. He and EDWARD won't stop fighting.

This is natural. Make sure they take the fight outside the room. You do not want your furniture to be broken.

5. I couldn't afford an EDWARD CULLEN SILVER VOLVO so I bought him a toy car. He hates me. Why is this so?

Duh! He wants a real car, not a fake. Even I'll hate you if you buy me a fake car.

6. I installed a turned on mode on my EDWARD CULLEN. Why is he not turned on?

There must be something wrong with your EDWARD. Bring him to the TWILIGHT CULLEN MAKER PRODUCTION to make an exchange.

7. My EDWARD CULLEN cusses a lot. Why?

This is perfectly normal. Try to buy a JASPER HALE if it's annoying you.

8. My EDWARD CULLEN keeps on saying 'Bella'. Why is this so?

He misses his lover so try to comfort him or purchase a JAPSER HALE to calm him down.

9. My EDWARD CULLEN likes to peep at me while I change. Why is this so?

Lucky bitc- I mean. It's perfectly normal. He maybe going through the 'Vampire Puberty' when you reach 100 years old.

10. Is it okay if I abandon my EDWARD CULLEN?

No. Please send it to CARLISLE CULLEN ADOPTION CENTRE.

**Different types of items in TWILIGHT CULLEN MAKERS PRODUCTION**

Alice Cullen

Emmett Cullen

Carlisle Cullen

Esme Cullen

Renesmee C. Cullen

Isabella Swan

Bella Cullen (vampire)

James

Victoria

Rosalie Hale

Jasper Hale

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Twilight Avenue**

**Building 2 TCMP, Reception Counter**

**#04-789, 4****th**** storey 521457**

**Call us at: 0894-2856-6257 (0twi-culn-makr)**

**Email us at: ****tw1_cu1l3n_**

**The copyright of this EDWARD CULLEN instruction sheet belongs to DADDY'S LITTLE BLOODSUCKER. All characters mentioned above are just used for fun. Stephanie Meyer owns it. We mean no harm to the characters or your readers. Kapeesh? If this offended you, I'm sorry. We don't really mean this.**

**DLB: Woohoo! That was fun to write.. Wasn't it? Sorry if this is too short. If you want me to write about the other characters, than tell me okay? Review! FEED MY ADDICTION! That button below isn't there just to look sexy peepz.**


	2. Important

**I'm sorry for not updating my stories.. I wanted to but I lost my muse which is Daddy's Little Cannibal (Stephanie)who died in a drunk driving accident on May 8****th****. I know that she will be missed by many of her fans including me. I was shocked to hear of her death and cried for hours. I promise that I'll update my stories at least once until i calmed down. I'm really sorry. This accident reminded me that authors have lives outside of fanfiction too and I want all authors in fanfiction to know that too. I know that no matter what, she would not be forgotten by us, her fans. May she have a better life where ever she is… We will love you always, Daddy's Little Cannibal.**

_"When other little girls wanted to be ballerinas, I wanted to be Jeffery Dahmer." - Daddy's Little Cannibal_

_"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever; the goal is to create something that will." - Chuck Palahnuik_

**Update:(8th June)**

I'm beta-ing now! i have my beta reader profile up! if anyone needs a beta, you can find me :DD

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